I was moving in between two libraries there. One is at the main campus while another one is in Chung Chi College. Towards the end of my holiday, I got a strange discovery which made me both excited and annoyed.

If you are graduates of Chung Chi College students, you should be familiar with what kinds of books you can find most in Chung CHi library. They are books for music, education, religion plus literature on the whole floor. Literature includes all kinds of literature like English literature, American, Oriental and drama.

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Thanks for giving me a meaningful lesson today, 群仔.  You're such a nice person that you always see the good sides of people.

Thanks Phoebe for your call and your care....It's so good to hear from you....see you soon....

Unlucky! Horrible, Stressed, Oppressed, Daunting, dramatic.... NIGHTMARE!!!!

What happened can really become good elements of a thriller!!!! 

What i want is that I'm looking for a beam of light ahead of my future. That's the only wish I am asking for but no more.

If anyone interested in knowing my "life experience", you're mostly welcomed to ask me..... really hard to tell in words... cos there are so many which really drive me mad and make me collapse!

Really look for my birthday to have a good start!!! Sigh!!!

It's been long time for me to start to paint again. I was surprised to find how calm my mind was when I was painting today. It's a small piece but it's so much fun and joy. That's the calmness I've been missing these days. I've been living in completely lost and mess.

Not thinking about the techniques but only painting... That's another way to voice. People said I'm eloquent (that's because they don't understand me) but I'm not actually...  (at least to abstract human feelings) I  find art is the best tool to express my complex feelings than words. I used to be annoyed by people who do not really understand me and love to make judgements on me. Well... why do I have to bother on explaining myself to them? Let them think whatever they think I am... as long as I am not what they think I am...

"Life is short...there're far more important stuff deserved your concern" one of my good friends said to me.

Hope i can keep having another ...another...another....of my painting in the future! :>

They were the most comments I have been hearing from people commenting on the family tragedy in Tin Shui Wai.

Just go on the street and ask anyone on the street, this is the only comment they can make. Isn't it terrifying to hear this kind of comment?

I could not help shivering when my students made this comment in class. They were so much detached from the tradegy and that was the only "wonderful' comment they can make and that's it!

Couldn't it be more room for us to think about the whole tragedy and the suffer that the whole family have had before we simply made the judgement that she was crazy.

It was even daunting to see the reaction of my colleagues. They were totally immune to the tragedy. They didn't give a damn to show any interest in knowing the news. They were abnormally quiet on the news. Their reaction makes me remember how my old colleagues working in Yuen Long would give response to when hearing the news.  At least they show their concern.   The colleagues in my recent school just kept on talking about their middle-class life stuff. There's  nothing more interesting than their own life and that's it. They are teachers but they show no response to the society. They show no reflection on what's happening in our community. Isn't it terrible to figure out what impact they can bring on our next generation? The answer is "I". They all live in their "I" world.... things happening outside their "world" is none of their business! 

 The wholel tradegy recalls one of my drama teaching experience in my old school. I did a few workshop on domestic violence with my S4 students. I was impressed how reflective they were on the issue. The same voice in my heart keeps asking if drama can help to prevent this kind of tragedy from happening or at least raise peopl'e awareness. If i can find a group of friends which share my view, i really want to go to that community and use DIE to see how much we can do. I guess that's why we're studying in this course cos we know that drama can bring changes in life... even though these changes are very tiny.

Last week, my Net chose a very unfavourable time to ask why he couldn't find an answer for his life though he asked himself every day.

I didn't pay pmuch attention to his question as I was in such a hurry to finish my lunch. It was a wrong time for this kind of questions.

But then, I started to think about this question again since my Panel chair talked about finding answers in life today.

Is it a must for us to find a definite answer in our life? Or I wonder if we can really find an answer for our life. Why do we have to find an answer?

Have we been using a too scientific way of looking at life? Can life be understood as if we were finding out solutions for equations? If it is so simple and one-way, we won't suffer so much from the complexity of life.

I can't see the point of finding answers for life? What does it for? When one spends so much time to find the answer, things is passing-by only. The process is completely forgotten.

What does it mean if we can find the answer? What does it not?

There won't be answers until we start. There won't be answer until we take the journy of quest.

Most of the people are just shouting at their full blast that they want to find an answer for life. But they have never made a step forward. They have never improved.... Even if there was a chance to find the answer, they woudn't be able to do it.

Why do we have to bother whether we can find the answer or not?Why don't we just enjoy the process before we reah the answer? Is the process more important than the end?

Esp I have to live with my very annoying, troublesome , mean and terrible father!!!

Why am i always the one who tolerates him!!!! I'm really sick of him for all my whole life!!!!!

I need room and space for me to breathe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have to get away those bonds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

1.  It's been a month in this new school..............Things are doing fine except my piles of students' homework gathering on my desk... and my anxiety of delivering better lessons to my girls...........I'm still fighting with time but at least i get these in mind which will surely won't let myself loose... It's really exhausting to chase with time when you're a kind of perfectionist and a person with expectation! Lucky me, my colleagues are nice and quite helpful and the girls are really angels. What could I ask for more then!

2. I lose weight finally and drop back to the a number which I haven't reached for a long time. Isn't it worthy of celebration? From Tuesday to Fri....it's Body Pump, RPM, Body Pump, RPM, Body Attack, Body Balance... I am so surprised by myself the perservence of going for workshout for the whole week... and the feeling is so good and satisfying. My mind goes blank and just fall into sleep after the exercise. When getting up next morning, I feel so energetic...well... i guess that's the way I have to lead my life on but not putting myself in a self-pity situation from time to time. Friends of mine if you're interested in joining me for workout, do let me know!!!!

3. Walking past by Wellington street last Fri night, I accidentally found a interesting studio. What those people doing inside did caught my attention. They were painting in the studio and you could see very clearly what they were doing. The complete engagement in their painting touches my inner desire of painting which has been planted in  my heart  for such a long time. When I looked at the name of the shop, I know that's the place where I can free my mind and let my wild imagination, intense feeling and creativitiy skate for 5 hours. Artjamming............I've decided to go and have my first painting asap.... I can't wait to start painting........

 4. Really gotta start to work on my assignments. I quite like the size of the study group we have. Not too big but small enough to listen to each others' ideas and do the discussion with the tutor.  In last study group I found a classmate who is used to be rather laid back and invovled as an observer participant most of the time did invovle in the study group a lot. I was qite happy to see that as I was observing the dynamics of the group. Interesting to notice enough, he is cool when he was so invovled in the discussion. Don't misunderstand, I did pay attention to the whole discussion! But that's only a new finding! I finished Suckey's fries which I shouldn't have done that. But it's such huge temptation in front of me.

It turns out a new look... I was a bit hesitant in the beginning...but then there was a voice in my heart yelling....why not! I need some changes in my life. Anyway, let's start with my haircut and then let go of those in the past... those people annoying me...those who didn't know what life is...those who didn't open their heart and sense it or give response to.

I have enough!!!

Just start a new life and enjoy it!

Now every time when i look at myself at the mirror. I know that I can' t live in the past or my fantasy any more. I have to stand up and move on.!. BE MYSELF; BE MY LIFE!!!

 Sometimes i could be silly, putting myself into depressing mood that I could hardly survive from it.

 Day in and day out, I want freedom. An unfreed heart can never free an unfree soul.

really want to jump into an ocean and let the waves lead me, banish gloom from my thought, melt me to the tiny bubbles, make me be the one of deep blue sea and just give me rest in the cradle of the ocean---- lock all my impulse of confessing the truth feelings and the passion into the tranquil sea... and just let it decompose and one day it'll be only nothing...

 L'amore est la syrup or poison.

"The beautiful song of the blackbird makes it a symbol of temptations, especially sexual ones. The devil once took on the shape of a blackbird and flew into St Benedict's face, thereby causing the saint to be troubled by an intense desire for a beautiful girl he had once seen. In order to save himeself, St. Benedict tore off his clothes and jumped into a thorn bush.. This painful act is said to have freed him from sexual temptation for the rest of his life.

According to ancient myth, a blackbird serves as a messenger and guide between the world of dreams and waking thoughts, memories and secret spaces.

Late at night, the blackbird's song is heard at the gateway between the realm of the living and the dead and it lulls the conscious mind to sleep, and awaken the hidden self."   From the house programme of Blackbird

I ended my summer holiday with a marvellous but daunting performance this afternoon in TST.

 Blackbird .... a very very dark dark story but impressive and painful to me.

Been thinking of having a friend/ friends to watch with me....

the first target went to Thailand dramatically and totally forgot it ....and I was like an idiot to wait for the reply........kind of pissed off......."take it easy" that's what i can do!

the second target... bought her ticket but didn't show up...puuuuuuuffffffff!!!! really disappointed..... (but i guess she must be in some trouble)

So lonely i was to watch the performance.....but with shock.....................

Shock 1: it was totally different style from what Theatre du Pif usually does

Shock 2: Bonni's performance and images presented were absolutely impressive and seducive...hot!

Shock 3: The story made me recall lots of images, arousing lots of mixed feelings and pain... a journey of experiencing pain and bitterness... experience of peeling layers of flesh, awakening the hidden self...

Glad to be watch it on my own though.

 It is totally a tragedy... a one starts by a mistake and ends with a mistake....all trapped by the past and the dark sides of heart... bagging them for life... throwing them away as rubbish as waste... but keeps reoccuring..... can't wipe it out completely........  think could go over it but never do... live a new life with the past deteriorating, degenerating souls..... but still have to live...together with the darkness... torn apart by the lust, the chills and thrills, anger and regret...

Who's fault? No one... it's only "A tug-of-war between lust and love", "real self and hidden self".

This is a performance shouldn' be missed!

Tons of information                                                                          Bombarding the disturbing mind

Flood of emotions                                                                              Overflowing the tranquil heart

It's only a start for the end of the old life

Struggle                                                                                              beyond the tradition

Striking for the best to be excelled       

Waiting for the unknown to go with

A cage bars the flaming youth

A caged heart to free a caged reality

What for? What way? What's left?